Boys to Men

No, not the band. Though their hit song "End of the Road" off the album CooleyHighHarmony, does seem apt after today's day of play (insert sad face emoji). It was like watch men play against boys, almost as one sided as the 2022 AFL Grand Final (Sorry Matt - too soon?).

The Green Caps added just 20 to their overnight total, but Woakes took his 5th wicket for the innings by claiming the prized scalp of Josh Hazelnuts. Aussies out for 317 from 90 overs, and that's mainly due to Tony Starc's red ink of 36 - attributed to using his wife's bat. 

However, I think the key story today is Postman Pat. I'm only 45 and have been watching Test Cricket for a paltry 33 years, but I don't think I have seen a captain have a worse day of cricket than Pat during Day 2 of the 4th Test. while his efforts could not be described as "village" or like one of my favourite village clips, it was pretty bad. Can I just say from the outset, that he doesn't have many bad days. His Test career started on a massive high in South Africa when in his second Test, he pretty much won it with both bat and ball. Then his heroics in the first Test of this series helped the Aussies gain the early advantage. However, this day could very well cost Australia the series. I know it's ridiculous to say one day out of a possible 25 could be the cause of that - but in this case, it very well may. It started with the first ball of the day - Postman's on strike, we were 8 down. What was needed was a forward defensive shot, or a leave if possible. What we saw was neither, but a half hearted drive to hit a basic catch to Spoke at a squarish cover.

The decision I do give him credit for is opening with Starc and Hazelwood. And they kept is tight, taking D#$%it early and creating multiple chances from Spider and someone who had no right to be coming out at 3, Ali. Then the change bowlers came on, Postman and "Very" Green (I'm sorry, but his performances thus far did not warrant re-selection after his injury - it is quite obvious that either George Bailey and Green are actually related, or Green has incriminating videos of George's time in the IPL - I'm thinking footage of him one night on the turps singing his favourite karaoke song 'Islands in the Stream', but not as a duet...) But I digress. Apparently, the team meeting must of went, "Yeah, I know this line and length stuff is keeping the run rate down when we were 100 short of par for the course, but we've only taken a wicket in 10 overs. Let's try the barrage of bumpers again. Yeah, I know it didn't work at Leeds, but this is Manchester. I have a feeling we're due. What followed was an absolute Gong show that allowed 2 batters who were still trying to prove themselves, an opportunity to free their arms, swing hard and get results. Yes, there were chances. Agree, they had a lot of luck. But cricket is like that. It was the exact opposite of what was required, and if this is the "grand final" and England needed to force the pace as they're the ones who need to win, surely 'line and length' was the order of the day. Even if the bowlers were incapable of that, for f#$%'s sake - Tony Dodemaide is the other non-coach selector; can't he slow them how to bowl a slower ball. 

Then it was time for the spinner. If Dan Murphy was in the side, possibly not. But part-timer Head was given the rock and Spider saw blood. Four through the offside, six over cow corner and Head was going for 30 per over after 2 balls. Now he did create two genuine chances, both to Ali and both butchered by Postman. A complete misread off the bat, then a very catchable chance that hit him on the forearm. Luckily, not long after the second chance, The Pro grabbed a sharp chance off Tony's bowling to send Ali to the pine for 54. However, England were 2/130 off 27 overs. this was one dayer stuff and I was feeling much like Georgie Parker who eloquently summed up the situation like this: 

The frustrating thing was not so much Spider taking his chances and getting away with it (by the way his 187, eventually bowled by Very Green - only because he heard if you hit it out of Old Trafford, you get 13 runs for the shot - made for compulsory viewing; I watched until 3:30am when play finished and though I found it deplorable on the the part of the visitors, I also couldn't turn it off) was that Postman was employing the tactics of an Under 11's captain whose coach may be a Drama teacher and knows nothing about cricket but is underload and has been instructed to coach a team. If Dud (who was batting skilfully) or Spider would hit the ball somewhere, even a mishit, almost immediately a fielder would be moved where it landed. There is an old saying in cricket that will always ring true - "You can't set a filed for s#$% bowling". And the worst offender of not bowling to your field was the captain. He ended Day 2 with the bowling figures of 16 overs, 0 maidens, no wickets for 93 runs. His economy rate for the series is almost 6 per over. 

Did he need to be rested? Possibly, he's the only bowler that hasn't. And this is where the problem of Captain / Fast bowlers come in. They don't work. Even when they are working, there is weakness in the structure, and Bazball has exposed it. Fast bowling is tough. You need to run in at 25km/h, jump, put somewhere between 4 to 6 times of your bodyweight of force through your lead leg, and do that 6 times (if you don't stuff up and bowl a no-ball; which seems to be happening more to the Aussies in this test than previous ones) to complete one over. And chances are that sequence has to be repeated 15 to 20 times across the day. Working out where to put the ball, and THEN EXECUTING IT is incredibly difficult. Then if you're captain, you have to worry about the field, how the other bowlers are going, and now, asking for a review if the onfield umpire had a microsleep when one of your bowlers has had a clear dismissal given not out. Batters who field in the circle need to be running things. Keepers also don't work. Sorry Painey but it's true. A keeper has to be on their game for 540 deliveries within the day. They can help with angles and field placements but when they're worry about all the other stuff, their keeping goes down hill. Captain Paine was not the same keeper as 2010 Paine.

There has been an inordinate amount of time spent of the Benny Hill Show that was the Aussie's Day 2 performance, especially when England had their best Bazball day of the series. I promise I will compensate in tomorrow's post. But I'm done now!

JT